Changes

I've not blogged for real in a while. In a good long while. A lot has changed. Some things are pretty great, others... well, let's just say that some things are not as great as the great stuff. I've been trying to focus on positive things... I think that's a theme with me, but lately, the negative, it's just getting to be too much.
Right after my grandfather on my dad's side passed away I felt I had a pretty good understanding of how to handle death and loss. I'd say in my short 29 years, hell, in the past year... I've been through a lot of emotional stuff -- waay too much to list in detail and who wants to delve into that anyway? Death, a lot of relationship issues, confusion with sex, loss of trust, being misunderstood by family, hurting people, being hurt by people... nothing that out of the ordinary, I'd say... Life, really... Life happens, of that I am well aware. It's just piling up and becoming overwhelming. That damn word again.
Anyway, I remember standing next to his casket looking at all of his wrinkles and spots and thinking about his life. I put my hand on his arm, cold and stiff, and I thought about how it wasn't too different from when he was living. I've always been a little bit too warm, and the comparison at that moment was clear. He died for years before he passed away. The anger and regret in his eyes used to peirce through me and my mother. I think my mother felt it the most. He didn't understand our joy, it confused and frustrated him and he shushed us and shuned us when we would laugh together. That face was now lifeless, but still just as full of hurt and anger.
Anyway, I digress...
Recently I've had two bits of bad news that include death. When I was a child I had a best friend named Natalee. She and I were very close from about when I was 7 years old until I was in middle school. I used to lay on her bed while she sat in front of the mirror putting on make up and talking to boys on the phone. She was beautiful, and I loved to look at her. As a child she tried to unplug an extension cord with her teeth and was electricuted quite severely. She had a scar on the corner of her mouth. I remember thinking that it was quite noticable, but no one seemed to make fun of her, her personality and beauty was far more intoxicating than any deformity. Recently, I found out that she overdosed and died and it really affected me. All those memories...
I also found out that my friend John passed away suddonly. We had many great times together. We hiked Lost Maples together, partied together and spent a lot of time talking and drinking. He and I were not as close, but the manner of his passing has got me thinking about this year and how rough it has been. How fragile my human spirit has become, I've actually started to expect bad things before good things. I've been flinching waiting for the beating... It's not like me, and I don't like it. 2008 is almost over.